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Right And Wrong Relationship Questions


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A common question regarding any social situation is what went wrong.

Or what did "they" mean when they said "that."

This does seem logical.

Nobody likes problems.

Everybody likes to get over problems.

To understand problems.

This is part of our makeup.

Our wiring.

To learn from our mistakes.

This is the BEST way to learn.

To make an UNEXPECTED mistake.

Then figure out what happened.

And do better next time.

So it seems logical to use this strategy socially.

You're having a conversation with an attractive person.

Because you get a good feeling when talking to them, when thinking about talking to them in the future, it feels BAD to not get your outcome.

Whether you're looking for friends or lovers, the strategy is very basic.

And exists deep beneath conscious understanding.

We see somebody and we ENJOY looking at them.

We talk to somebody and we ENJOY speaking with them.

So the natural and automatic desire is to create a future where we can look forward to interacting with them again.

This doesn't matter if they are potential friend, or a potential lover, or even a friendly guy at the meat counter.

We enjoy interacting with certain humans.

If we showed up at the meat counter and asked about friendly meat guy and found out he'd died, we'd be SAD.

For a while, every time we bought meat we'd be SAD.

This is normal.

So when you're having what you THINK is a friendly conversation, and it goes south, that feels BAD.

We don't like bad feelings.

We want to know how to DECREASE bad feelings.

So, the common response is "what did I do wrong?"

This is even a common movie question when one person is breaking up with another person.

"What did I do wrong?"

Unfortunately, this is the WRONG response.

If you are making a recipe, and it comes out terrible, that's a valid question.

If you are playing a song on the piano, that question doesn't even need to be asked, since you KNOW what you did wrong as soon as you did.

If you are driving somewhere and get lost, that question, "what did I do wrong" is not really thought, but that "feeling" of having done something wrong is what makes you backtrack and find the right directions.

Now, WHY is that question, "what did I do wrong" NOT the best question for failed relationships, or conversations?

Because relationships are NOT based on right or wrong.

They are based SUBJECTIVE feelings.

And subjective feelings DO NOT live in the world or right or wrong.

Some people will dig you.

Some people won't.

The question, then, is HOW can you make MORE people dig you?

Turns out this is the OPPOSITE of the "do it right" or "do it wrong" strategy.

Understand this, and you'll enjoy MUCH more social success.

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