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Do you always have to hate your ex?


Sarah Rose

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Is there a healthy way to maintain a mutually friendly, non-adversarial relationship with your ex boyfriend/spouse/partner? What if there was animosity in the relationship?  If you were friends before the relationship began, than hopefully you could go back to that after the stress of the relationship is over.  Or, are all relationships that end destined to split apart friendships?

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Firstly, I LOVE seeing new people on this forum and the wonderful questions being asked including by you and the great tips being given including by you. 

 

Sarah Rose, 

 

Yes, I think there ARE healthy ways to maintain a mutually friendly, non-adversarial relationship with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/partner.

 

OK, I haven't mentioned this on here yet so here goes.  I'm actually divorced.  It was amicable and we are friends still.  Now, it helps that we live in other countries!   You see, one of the biggest reasons I asked my ex husband for a divorce (it will be two years ago in mid December) was because he ended up living and working in another country and after three years of barely seeing each other - and yes I DID look into and try to move there! - I explained to him that I thought it was better for us to find people in the countries we were living in.  There were other things, like I don't want kids and he suddenly decided he did, for e.g. but nobody was horrible or cheated or anything like that.   And I cried for about a week - a LOT!  But now my ex husband is happily married to a lovely woman and I am very happy for them.  They have two kids and I think she is a perfect match for him!  And yet, although we had our moments, in many ways our marriage WAS happy and there was also a time when we broke up as boyfriend and girlfriend after briefly dating YEARS ago and we were just friends for 4 months before getting back together, so maybe that helps.

 

Sometimes when he calls me I kinda groan to myself but overall we get on OK and he even stays with me when he's here and no I don't "DO" anything with him it is just platonic.  We even go out for meals.  

 

There have been times I have felt some resentment or anger and I said to myself I have to let that go because I feel that it will block ME from finding new love if I hold onto that.  I think it makes it easier we don't have kids and we live so far apart, but I've still been told it's too my credit that I am NOT bitter and I am so nice to him.  We may even work together on a business but we shall see.  

 

If I felt angry, like near the beginning, guys would fade out of my life, mostly the boyfriend I had after the divorce and I wondered if having my ex staying with me was blocking new love and I got mad at ex hubby but as well as argue! we talked about it and cleared the air. 

 

With the ex boyfriend, it's been harder, we have never gone to friends.  I think there may have always been romantic feelings and yet we have taken turns avoiding each other but there has been no nastiness.  I avoided groups we are both members of for months because I was madly in love with him and I was scared I'd see him with a new love interest and be devastated!  I ended it, I had my reasons, but I loved him.  Still kinda do.  

 

I had another boyfriend with who I had an uneasy friendship after our split this was years ago and we broke up a couple of times but stayed friends between two of the times which was hard for me cos of my feelings!  Working with an ex has been awkward, I've had that two but I've never had a really nasty split as in seeing someone around and having "mud-slinging" matches after a relationship ends.    I had one boyfriend from whom after our split I drove off and we never contacted each other ever again though.

 

So, my ex husband and I are now friends again, just friends.

I still think he's gorgeous and to be honest I think he's still attracted to me well, I don't THINK I kinda KNOW he is.  But I would never cross that line and it's over now and now my feelings are just platonic, anyway.  But it's platonic now and maybe us being friends for that 4 months years ago really helps with that, I don't know.  

But, despite everything, the end of our marriage has NOT meant the end of our friendship.  

He has a wonderful wife (he has had TWO wonderful wives!!!) and he has me as a wonderful friend.  

 

Short version - I used affirmations and I intended that our divorce WOULD be amicable.  

Basically he could have made it really REALLY easy to divorce or really REALLY hard for me.

And he was understanding and I got the easy way.  

I intended that I would.  

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The end of a relationship can be so painful and yet I try to look at what the GOOD things about the relationship and about it ending are.  You know, the positive aspects.  

Like I said, having hatrid, resentment, bitterness, victimhood etc. in myself I think blocks the GOOD and GREAT stuff from manifesting so you know, I let that sheet GO!  (Sometimes it's a process though!)  Hatred for exes?  "Aint nodody got time for that!"

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Guest Beverly

You need to ask yourself why you want to hold onto this person as a 'friend'.  Do you really desire their friendship or are you hoping the friendship blossoms again into a full blown relationship.  Are you simply addicted to that person's presence so that you don't want to let them go? Or, does this person actually contribute something unique in the way of friendship (such as lively debate/companionship or true friendship), that no others offer?  Once you have pondered these questions, approach the situation cautiously and without expectations.  See what remains of your friendship.  Talk openly with your ex about the possibility of co-existing without hostility. If you still have lingering feelings, don't be afraid to admit that but reassure the person that you are not hanging onto any idea the relationship will go anywhere.  With some people you just want them around, even if only as a friend and not as a lover. And, there should really be nothing wrong with that.

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Now, uh oh!  After having said about how I have stayed friends with ex hubby & before with an ex boyfriend or two, I realized tonight something.  A friend of mine had her guy - her now ex guy - do something bad and yours truly was coming up with all sorts of evil revenge plans - not psycho ones but things like put laxatives in his food mwah ha ha !  SOOOO I guess if it was a bad break cos the guy was nasty to me really nasty, I'd do something revengeful (but probably kind funny!) & then a bit later on MAYBE we could be friends.  Kinda shocked to realize this about myself, yet also kinda amused.   ;)  :P

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