How do I cold approach and not let rejections devastate me? At my age?

[Athena]

(Copied from my reply on Light's journal and I may add a  bit) With the dating thing and the action, I have a question for you.

BTW, I asked this guy (I've attracted free coaching, how cool! and my coach set this as one of my tasks, after we talked about it.  To ask this guy who 18 months ago said "Go & talk to guys you fancy and I will give you tips on your approach and how to improve and what you do well."  The coach said ASK him if he would still do that for you - cos back then not ONLY was I too shy to take him up on that but also I took a one year man break (stupid, stupid idea but oh well it seemed like a good idea at the time!)  

 

I asked the guy and he said he'd be happy to do that for me. :-)

HOWEVER

How the HELL do we stop letting our egos??? get in the way, fear of rejection, pain of rejection?

I'm not used to doing the "cold approach" (plus there is f all info out there on women on HOW to, except for the Matthew Hussey stuff and I DON'T want to go up to a guy and give him a LINE! 

 

Coach guy and I agree that if I want to meet OFFline guys rather than the way too horny online ones who just wanna bonk, I may need to learn to cold approach and keep doing it.

 

Especially when I live in a city when the men (not just with me but with women in general they are too scared to approach women most times.)

 

How does one deal with the knockbacks?

I guess that's what I'm really asking?

 

I agree about the wardrobe!!! but that's hard when money is thin on the ground.  Though when I got some money recently I DID include a new outfit for dates and social events (it's classy but also shows off my curves :-) )

 

And the scary thing also is, the coach said less jeans and sports shoes and more dresses - not for guys but to get you out of your comfort zone.  Cos it's lack of body confidence, it is.  I agree there.  One time there was a heatwave, back in 2013? And I felt like I HAD to wear miniskirts when out but as a rule no way, not anymore!

How do I cold approach over and over again, and not let rejections etc. let me get discouraged?  Esp. when I'm quite a bit older and often feel like therefore I am running out of time to get a relationship (Like I've said, I'm a cougar, but in a romantic, rather than sexual way, so therefore I feel time pressures???) 

 

I want to add that I AM making progress in terms of being a bit more secure, I think.

I met a guy last Saturday who I like a lot at this stage anyway but I seem to be more able to put it into perspective? 

I like him, I'd LOVE to see him again, I DO feel there is relationship potential there (if that is something he is open to.)

I am OK with it overall if he is not.  Or if I do not get to see him again.

 

Whereas a few weeks ago, I'd probably send some needy and or snarky message if I didn't hear within a certain amount of time?  A GREAT way to get guys interested - NOT!

 

So I'm making progress, you know?

 

But now I may need to uplevel and - yeah, take this to a whole new level bust open wide my comfort zone and start going up to guys at events that i find attractive (and that's rare that I even do, so when I fancy someone, it's hard NOT to put him on a pedestal? I actually think the online dating helps in that with all the looking I eventually DO see guys I find attractive so it's not AS rare?) (and no I CAN'T date or sleep with a guy I'm NOT attracted to, I've TRIED! and also I am NOT shy around guys I am NOT attracted to, going to singles events and chatting to guys who I don't fancy is quite easy for me, it's guys I feel attraction to that it's difficult?) and saying hi or whatever.  And for me - esp. with ALL the conditioning I have had that if you do THAT men assume you are a slut and will NEVER like you!!  (yes, that's really pretty much what they tell you!) how do I do this and deal with you know, the rejection from all the guys who I am NOT their type?

And not let that deter me?

 

I think somebody maybe even the guy I said about that i saw on the weekend gone I think HE said something about oh yeah that's right, about a guy might get a good response from 1 in 10 women he approaches good as in SHE is interested back.  I might have the same odds, you know.  I don't know.  And it's NOT like when I was selling Avon briefly or cookies once and I was like to myself heck I am getting closer and closer to my yes now, the stakes feel higher this time!

 

Any tips?  On how to be RESILIENT when cold approaching?

And like I've said what I am WANTING ultimately is a boyfriend.

 

I could have sex with a different good looking guy every week I'm literally not kidding there.  I get the offers, even though I'm average.

But that's NOT what I'm wanting.  

 

I wanna get more dates ATM it's one a month.

 

And I want a boyfriend damn it! 

 

So it feels like bigger stakes and more to lose than if I was just looking for bed buddies?

 

But even though a lot of dating advice says for women to approach first is "unfeminine" and that guys will NOT respect me if I am the one who approaches first, to HELL with it, I wanna try this anyway and I wanna get GREAT at this.  You know, like how salespeople are, but with dating prospects??

 

It might also be amazing long-term for building up my social confidence and networking skills.

Any tips??

 

Tons of guys might be gay or married or taken or just not interested in my type (curvy, White brunette MILF-y apparently) 

I wanna enjoy the approach and not get too hung up on results.

I want the goal to BE approaching them (even though ultimately I want a good outcome.)

but....HOW??!!!!

[admin]

Try to think of cold approaching like you would exercise. It gets easier the more you do it.

 

There are a LOT of techniques that will accelerate how fast that happens, but they won't replace the need to TAKE ACTION.

 

Just like eating healthy, getting plenty of sleep, drinking lots of water, exercising at the same time everyday will help accelerate how quickly you can think of physical exercise as something you DO vs. something you HAVE TO DO.

 

Start slow, do something EVERY DAY.

 

eye contact

eye contact and smile

eye contact and smile name exchange

eye contact and smile name exchange and short conversation

eye contact and smile and name exchange and long conversation

eye contact and smile and name exchange and long conversation and number close

 

Then journal at the end of everyday on your interactions:

 

What Happened

 

What I Could Have Done Better

 

What I Can Try Tomorrow

 

Keep a schedule, just  like you would with exercise. Spend an HOUR each doing, at whatever level is comfortable. SLOWLY expand your comfort zone. Give yourself plenty of time

 

Think of this as a LIFELONG process.

 

AS YOU GO THROUGH this, you will gain confidence, become more attractive, and fine tune your ideal mate/boyfriend, since you'll be interacting with a lot of people.

 

MAIN MISTAKE  is the same as in exercise. People go too fast too soon, get sore and quit.

 

Trying to cold approach for a number close when making eye contact makes you nervous is like expecting to run five miles the FIRST DAY of exercise. It's impossible.

 

At the beginning of ANY ENDEAVOR, momentum is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than results.

 

You want to SLOWLY build up the behaviors, beliefs,memories that you are a person who APPROACHES INTERESTING PEOPLE without a second thought.

 

THIS TAKES TIME.

 

But if you stick with it, you'll develop a skill few people have.

 

START SLOW take small easy actions every day. SLOWLY expand your comfort zone.

[Athena]

This is fantastic and so helpful.

Yeah it's gonna have to be slowly as work seems to take over my life and I

rarely get to work with men, though I did wonder if one of the other teachers was kinda flirting

with me the other day!

 

I love love love what you said, George about at the beginning momentum is more important than results.

I am quite smiley and DO smile at guys (sometimes they look afraid when I do though or sometimes I catch guys staring at

me on the train and when I look up and see them staring at me they look nervous and look away!)

But for me it's that step of introducing myself haven't done a lot of that.

 

Thank you these tips are so great!!

[steve-DC]

Athena for some reason most men are shy, hesitant to ask a woman even to coffee.    I think that's the best approach btw, just start up a conversation with a man, then ask him to get coffee, even say, "it's my treat."   Really, I cannot see myself turning down a free coffee and chatting with a "curvy, White brunette MILF-y apparently"

[Athena]

Thank you!  I know a big part of why I find this so hard.

 

There is this assumption out there that attraction can be LEARNED for men, but for WOMEN we have to be naturally beautiful enough, and i never feel that I am, plus we keep getting told that (a) well there are so many beautiful models and film and porn stars it's easy to compare to but also there is this whole "beauty doesn't last" thing.

 

And yet women are CONSTANTLY being told that we have to be beautiful enough, which feels disempowering also as skill sets can be learned at any age, but we kept getting told beauty fades with age.  So it always feels like an unlevel playing field to me as an older women?  not, THAT old LOL.  And, apart from our 1950s style dating books LOL there's SO much out there for how MEN can approach but it's a tumble-weed filled dessert when it comes to ideas on how WOMEN can approach?  But what you guys say DOES give me ideas. And I have to believe that I CAN learn the skills, even though I am female LOL, and that I AM beautiful enough.  I DO get told I am hot and beautiful, but I'm know I'm not stereotypically beautiful?  I'd rather it be based on having the skill set anyway, rather than my looks? 

 

I just looked up "books for women on how to approach men"

 

Guess what came up?  A gazillion books on how MEN can approach WOMEN. Maybe I need to become an approacher and then write the damn book MYSELF LOL.

 

Anyway, what you say is really really really helpful all of you THANK YOU!!!! 

 

In 2017, yes I am starting yet ANOTHER busy, exhausting job sigh but gonna do this anyway! 

I'm gonna get back into going to some singles events again.  Not just those, gonna keep up going to meetups that are NOT at all singles based, and am building up fitness too....anyway, before I took that year off men, which at the time I thought i needed to, but before that I think my confidence with men was higher and I think even if I sometimes go to a singles event, like even if I don't fancy the guys but I practise chatting to them normally and socially, MAYBE it will make it easier to approach when I DO like someone?  But I'd draw the line at going on a date or sleeping with someone I'm not attracted to, I'd never do that!

 

Anyway, thanks for listening and for the tips, I really appreciate it. 

[richierich]

cacophobia