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Athena

The sex thing & hating to reject others & saying no nicely HOW

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Yes I've turned guys down when they've asked for sex before but I NEVER EVER feel comfortable doing this. 

 

I'm getting back out there and dating in less than two months and while I've done a LOT of inner work & actually heh heh asked guys loads of questions about guys (and it's been REALLY HELPFUL!) I STILL haven't resolved this to my satisfaction.

 

Part of it is that as I'VE always hated to be rejected plus I'm actually super nice TOO nice at times and very Beta, I HATE rejecting others.  That's part of why I don't go on traditional dating sites anymore, I hate telling a guy I'm not interested, I feel like a total bitch doing it.

 

Sooo, cutting to the chase...the sex thing....

 

When I was in online dating last time I had a LOT of guys on certain dating things asking me to hook up straight away.  I said no but I want to know what's a way to say no and to tell them that actually I am looking for dates & open to a relationship instead that's not going to make either of us feel particularly crappy but is assertive and clear and strong enough that he KNOWS I MEAN it, what I want, what I don't want?

That basically, I won't hook up with him (hook up meaning meet him for sex when I don't even KNOW him) but I would LOVE to have a date (e.g. a coffee date or hell a walk in the park - in public! - which is free) and a chat?

 

Second issue: If I am on a date with a guy, a couple of guys tried to get sex on the first date & I said no but again I feel horrible saying no, even though I do it and I still to it and then sometimes they whine & beg.

 

Guys, what's the way to say no in a way that lets them know I AM attracted to them, and also I DO want to have sex with them but I don't want to rush into it?

 

Because from what I've heard a LOT of guys think if you DON'T quickly have sex with them that you are not attracted to them and that is SO not true.

 

And I want to slow down and get to know guys longer before I have sex next time.  I don't have to be in a relationship first, but I want to always have a few dates first.  I also think as someone now looking for a boyfriend it's to my advantage to wait.  Some guys maybe even a LOT of guys will ditch me straight away for not giving it up fast enough but I'm hoping for at least one lucky guy he will get to know me that actually yes he WOULD probably LOVE the sex with me heh heh but also I have a lot more to offer as a person that JUST my body - or even my body and face.

I'm funny, I'm smart & I've been told by some of my exes I'm a great girlfriend plus my ex husband said "You were a WONDERFUL wife."  and that the best years of his life were spent with me.  (We divorced over different life goals, long story but my point IS I'M NOT just good for a f***.  

 

How can I say to a guy when he asks for sex not now and STILL leave  him feeling like a king?

(And not move to fast physically but let him know I AM interested and his DOES turn me on but I want to take it slow BECAUSE I like him?)

 

And what the hell do I do with hookup requests when that is NOT what I am now looking for, how to turn THEM down nicely, assertively and  ----- I once had a date with a guy who initially started the conversation with "sex?"

I told him it's not what I am looking for but I was open to a date with him and we DID have a date and actually I think he MIGHT have liked me back but later on the date he misinterpreted something I said as me not being interested in him which was not true I WAS.

 

Can I get this outcome again? A guy who does want a hookup to consider and say yes to a date instead?

 

Or was that just REALLY LUCKY with that one guy?

 

Would converstational hypno help? (I DO have the program.)

Like in these situations: hookup requests and also guys on a date asking for bonka bonka, what the hell do I say to let him know I think he's sexy as heck but I want to slow down.  And leave him feeling like she's definitely interested and also leave HIM wanting more? 

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Based on my own personal strategy if a girl is not willing to have sex with date 1 to date 4 I assume a few things

 

  1. She isn't down to fuck
  2. She isn't into me
  3. I failed to escalate attraction

Again none of these may be true, but I simplify it as such. Otherwise, I may have to stop and think about the situation.

 

Man's Perspective on Sex

Once we men reach a certain age I believe most guys adopt certain ideas as how the sex thing should go down. 

Sex is easier on the man. From a man's perspective, a girl who is giving sex is very rewarding and easier on the mind. If a girl is not willing to give sex then that's extra work(more thinking) which may result in stress. Bad. Very Bad. This is why man want sex very fast. Otherwise, they will have to think about why a girl is not willing to have sex.

 

 

Turning dates into sex

Appreciate and feel flattered by his directness or approach. A man willingness to have sex with you is a flattering thing even if it's primitive. LOVE has many forms, something I learned over the years. Tell him you want to get to know him better or some variation of let's start slow " I very much like you" or "I think we should get to know each other a little more first."

 

 

Date 1

You talk and feel each other out. On the very chance you are highly attracted to this man then you may opt to break your no notion on 'no sex'.

If you weren't highly attracted at first, perhaps you will tell him let's get in touch some other time. This is depending on your overall attraction and how you wish you proceed.

 

 

Date 2

Same as date 1, but maybe a different place or different activity. Here at this point if you are more comfortable with your man you can bump him to the next level.

Maybe, a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the mouth anything that indicates progress. Can be small or big depends on how much you want to advance.

 

Date 3 

Same as #2. Keep giving him small progress or big, depending how attracted you are this point. Is sex an option at this point? If yes, then be receptive to his advancements. If not, give a not yet sign or slow down signal whatever that means for you. If you want sex, you can be subtle about it and let him lead the sex part, but you can give a 'clue' that you are now ready for sex. Most men will usually pick up the sexual cues, if not you may need to try harder.

 

Date 4

At this point, you should know by now if sex in the agenda for this guy. If you unsure you can give him a small progress or a repeat to before.

 

Conclusion:
This is very much like pacing and leading. But, the idea here is only to give him based on what you feel comfortable with and never feel pressured into anything. Let him know you want to go slow and build from there because you are looking for a special kind of relationship. If he doesn't respect, then, NEXT. 

 

 

PS: My personal philosophy based on my experiences

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Gonna say something crazy, here:.

 

What I've realized is that guys don't want sex in reality It's just a pressure to prove their manliness by screwing a woman. The "desire" for sex is completely psychological 

 

In reality, here's the natural process

 

You say Hi/Hello, You get to know someone, if you like 'em, you go for it. 

 

Natural process.

 

However, it's turned into 

 

You are a guy, you get as much sex as possible. You are a woman, you resist, because that's your role in society. 

 

If this pressure didn't exist this wouldn't be an issue at all. 

 

Anyway, you'll just have to learn to say no in a way that doesn't cause the guy to lose confidence or get into a self defeating spiral. Write down a statement from the space of your heart to turn down a person. This, and be firm, so that your decision is clear and you can't flip flop (or the guy will keep pushing it). 

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Gonna say something crazy, here:.

 

What I've realized is that guys don't want sex in reality It's just a pressure to prove their manliness by screwing a woman. The "desire" for sex is completely psychological 

 

In reality, here's the natural process

 

You say Hi/Hello, You get to know someone, if you like 'em, you go for it. 

 

Natural process.

 

However, it's turned into 

 

You are a guy, you get as much sex as possible. You are a woman, you resist, because that's your role in society. 

 

If this pressure didn't exist this wouldn't be an issue at all. 

 

Anyway, you'll just have to learn to say no in a way that doesn't cause the guy to lose confidence or get into a self defeating spiral. Write down a statement from the space of your heart to turn down a person. This, and be firm, so that your decision is clear and you can't flip flop (or the guy will keep pushing it). 

Haha, I agree to an extent. What drove me to seduction/hypnosis was to learn how to improve my conversation skills, remove my insecurities with women and my own insecurities. 

 

In a lot of ways I was pressured into seduction and hypnosis because I wanted to get sex or just remove the insecurity of not getting sex.

 

Never was sex like some glorious thing I needed, maybe when I was younger, lol.

 

In any case, I'm glad I liked seduction/hypnosis makes life a lot easier and the skills I've learned on the way have been worthwhile for my own personal well-being.

 

So, I definitely have a weird love-hate relationship with seduction...

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I was just some nerdy guy that got jealous of other guys getting it on with good looking women at my college. So when I found hypnosis it was like a heaven sent. 

 

I would just listen to something, and draw up conclusions. After a while I realized how psychological everything really was. The enormous sexual pressure has turned men and women into enemies instead of friends. Nothing good really comes out of any of this. Everyone's fighting through this delusion. 

 

- Some women purposely act sexual to increase their value

- Some women purposely destroy the sexual boundary in order to increase value

- Others purposely act like bitches because that might make them cooler

- If a girl is straightforward, she's a slut because of how direct she is. 

 

Women don't have it easy at all, but guys can't see this, because - 

 

- Guys have to get it on with someone. Pressure too high.

- Guys that have been turned down are frustrated. Remember that guy in the news that took out a gun and started shooting women? Yeah, this is how frustrated a LOT of men are today.

- Pressure to be Alpha Male causes men to take all kinds of mindbogglingly stupid actions. 

 

Oh, and I will say it, and I will say it 10 times over. A man absolutely cannot see clearly if he's driven by sex. I've been there, and I know what it's like. It's impossible to expect this from guys. 

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"I thought you'd give me a debate or something. I know you were thinking something"

 

That made me smile!

 

You've seen how I am, if I don't agree with you, Light I tell you, like I did on that other post.  But I also try to respect absolutely everybody's viewpoints, desires and so on, on here, even if it's very different from mine.  Part of that is cos I know what it's like when people judge you for what you want to manifest.  But actually, I agreed with a lot of what you said, maybe all of it.  I DID feel angry but NOT at you, it was more like, it's so STUPID how men and women are almost encouraged towards the exact opposite.

There've been times I've (this is gonna sound slightly dark, conspiracy-type thing.)  Sometimes I feel like the would be 'powers that be' - though they are NOT as powerful as they make out to be are trying to divide us by a number of things including religion, race, and yes pitting men against women because united we stand divided we fall.

 

 I also don't understand why most women's dating books say a certain thing and yet I've now asked 70 guys in my country on a chatroom (maybe I'll ask 100 in my country and 100 in the USA to see what response I get) so far 70 guys - including some USA ones in that mix - have said to me they'd feel the OPPOSITE of what the dating books said to do if a woman did what the dating book said NOT to do. 

 

 

Yet in my opinion there's nothing wrong with wanting loads of casual sex OR with wanting a committed relationship or anything in between so I'm not saying there is. 

 

But I think it makes it harder when most dating things for women focus on a relationship - which I NOW want but I've had my time when I DIDN'T want that! - and most dating things for men focus on lots of sex in fact I don't think I've EVER HEARD of any dating things for men about how to attract a girlfriend or a wife.  I can't even find hardly any helpful info for women on using Tinder.  It's ALL for men.  Everything almost everything on using Tinder is for men.  Even dating coaches to help write their profiles. (It's like they assume that it's EASY for women on Tinder.  Well NEWSFLASH as impossible as it sounds I want to use Tinder again but THIS time for a relationship and I would absolutely LOVE all the advice I could possibly get.  But it does NOT exist.  Yet if I was a MAN I would be SWAMPED with info, I know because I have searched.  (Before I get told Tinder is for sex blah blah BLAH, I HAVE heard the odd story of it getting a relationship, even marriage and it's still the best way I have EVER found to find men who I find attractive and who are attracted to ME.  But I can't even find a dating coach to help me write a really great profile BECAUSE I am a woman so they don't exist for us ONLY for men!)

 

 

With the markets SO polarized as this, I think it makes it a little harder for men who want a relationship to find it and women who just want casual sex to feel ok with that?  And I also think it makes it way harder for a woman who wants a relationship to find one with it being shoved down mens' throats sex, sex, sex.  

 

A man OR a woman who just wants to bonk the world has my blessing.

A man OR a woman who wants a relationship has my blessing.

A man OR a woman who wants marriage and babies has my blessing.

Or anything in between.

 

I DO think they should be honest about their desires though, either way.

 

And I wish society would stop trying to tell us and trying to mold what THEY think we should want and let us decide more for ourselves.

 

Back to subliminals including these, I think they are a powerful way to 

attract WHATEVER WE want, regardless whether it lines up with what society tries to shove down our throats or not and that they are very empowering. 

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