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A commonly used term is "detached from outcome." This is often talked about, as if it were a "holy grail" state or event. It's very similar to the idea of "self actualization." Both are desirable states. Both are very vaguely described. Both in terms of what they are, and in terms of how you get there. And both are mostly misunderstood. As luck would have it, they are VERY similar. Or, at the very least, they CAN be. Self actualization comes from Maslow. Now, right off the bat, we need to say that Maslow was NOT a scientist. He didn't do a whole slew of double blind studies. He didn't invalidate any null hypothesis. His idea of self actualization, and the pyramid it sits atop of, is just that. An IDEA. A very clever idea, but an idea. Even then it's mostly misunderstood. We all have needs. We will have needs till the day we die. And his "hierarchy" is a kind of subjective value system of those needs. Some are very basic and animalistic. Food, shelter, safety, sex. The needs that satisfy our "higher" selves are higher up on the pyramid. Self actualization is up on top. But here's the thing. We will ALWAYS be locked in our "animal" bodies. We will always need to eat, sleep and relieve ourselves. (No matter HOW self actualized you are, you WILL need to take a dump sooner or later.) So the idea that we can "get" to the top of the pyramid is a myth. The "self actualization" pyramid is more like the food pyramid. A recommendation. Or perhaps a guess at how much time we'll spend in each kind of need. Meaning that since we ALWAYS need to eat, sleep, and relieve ourselves, no matter WHAT you do, you will ALWAYS be spending the bulk of your time in the lower section of that "hierarchy." How does this related to that coveted state of "detached from outcome"? Consider this the same idea. It is something that is ONLY possible when the "lower levels" are more or less (and temporarily) satisfied. When it comes to having conversations, that means feelings of comfort, safety and rapport. But it also means having a LOT of much larger frames. For example, in baseball, it's easy to be "detached from outcome" early in the season because you have a lot more games to play. In the last game of the world series, not so much. Luckily, a lot of this is very much in your control. To create a, "still early in the season," feeling. And NOT a, "last game of the world series," feeling. It requires having a much LARGER frame. A whole set of larger frames. If your ONLY frame is that particular conversation, you'll feel like it's bottom of the ninth and two outs, based loaded, down by three. If you have LOTS of larger frames, it will feel like spring training. Which means you can relax and have fun. Learn How: http://mindpersuasion.com/cb/
The more skills you have, the better you'll do. This is a pretty broad statement, but consider the basic human problem. We sit here inside our minds, looking out into the world. We either want to get more of something good, or get less of something bad. This could be actual things, like more peanut butter sandwiches and less broccoli pies. Or it could be situations. Less getting screamed at by our boss and more people we like telling (or showing) us they like us back. In between what we want, and where we are, is our reality. And based on how well we operate within that reality, we'll get what we want, or at least closer. Or get a bit further from what we don't want. Some of this happens instinctively. Like when you recoil from something scary, or your pupils dilate at somebody sexy. Next are things we've trained in. Things that operate as if they are instincts. Like learning martial arts. You train your muscles until you respond automatically, without thinking. After that comes conscious choice and conscious action. Whenever we take conscious action, there are another couple things to understand. One is we don't operate on reality itself, but our perception. Second we operate based on our understanding of our own skills. Clearly, there is a lot going on. This is happening all the time. Some of it conscious, some if it unconscious. And we are almost always conflicted. There's always part of us that wants to move forward, but also slightly worried. But the bottom line is the same. We are in the world. And to get what we want, we need to operate on the world. Sure, up to a certain point, all we need to is be open to "receive," but then we learn to walk and talk. And after a certain point, we are responsible adults, and it's all us. Two things will help you. Help you to get more of what you want, and less of what you don't want. One is to continuously update your map of reality. The more you interact with your reality, in various and new ways, the more experience you'll get. The second is to always be improving your skills. The more skills you have, and the more you practice them, the more confident you'll feel. One set of skills that can always be practiced is communication skills. Not just in speaking, but in listening. And not just the stuff that is being said. Everybody can hear that. But the stuff that's not being said. The stuff in between the lines. The hidden truth inside everybody's language, both good and bad. When you can see and respond to THIS deeper truth, you'll have a huge advantage. Learn How: Weaponized Hypnosis